For all those who are struggling with your relationship with someone, any relationship.
Are you dependent on your lover/spouse for happiness ?
Then it’s not love.
It’s dependency, as you now cannot take care of yourself, emotionally or mentally.
Understanding the problem first:
Your Spouse/Lover is not the problem.
Your Spouse/Lover is not the solution also.
You don’t love that person (at least, for today). You love the care, the words, the comfort, the relaxation, the easiness, the cool that person has provided to you.
And now that person is empty. They had a finite capacity which they had provided to you, and now he/she is empty. He/she don’t have any more good words to say to you, any more talents to show you.
And you think he/she has, but he/she is not providing you on some purpose. In actual he/she don’t have. He/she is a limited, finite person. His/Her container of happiness is empty now.
He/She don’t have any more tricks to show you.
And you are addicted to the happiness he/she was providing. So you are forcing him/her again and again to provide it. But he/she don’t have it at all, so he/she has no means to provide it, at the least at present, this is the scenario.
When you actually love that person, you have to accept both sides of the coin. Appreciate the goodness, accept the badness. Appreciate the similarities, accept the differences. You can try to make him/her better, but you have to understand first why the person is like such.
So, your Spouse/Lover is not problem at all.
And Spouse/Lover is not the solution also.
You are addicted to the happiness provided.
And you are not generating happiness on your own.
Because laziness is easy.
You don’t want to take efforts to generate happiness on your own and you are forcing other to give you happiness for free.
Now, the other don’t have happiness, and also he/she don’t know to generate happiness. And also he/she has no obligation to generate happiness.
He/she also wants to be lazy, and just want to be a consumer of happiness, just like you.
He/she is not wise, and and you want him/her to be wise and you to be kiddish.
You both are asking happiness from each other, when you don’t have it, and you are also not producing it, so how can you give it to yourself or to the other. You don’t have it at all.
Final solution :
You have to start producing happiness on your own. Make yourself full of Life. Become an interesting person. Make yourself self sufficient for happiness. Depend on your own self for your own happiness. Create your own diverse sources of happiness.
If you are a girl: Girls’ main source of happiness is emotions & words. Wear dresses which make you feel like a pretty girl. Restart the Selfie Series, learn some new make up. Get a new haircut. Learn new dressing styles, enhance your dressing sense. Also join a girl gang, to fulfill your need of deep conversation about other things, about positive things of others life.
If you are a boy: For boys’ main source of happiness is activities, especially Team Activities. Join a Gym (personal experience: it actually takes a lot of time with patience & attention), or a sports club, or a travelling/hiking club. Long Travel trips. The second main source of happiness for boys is Logic. Learn Eldredge knot. Learn Army Alphabet. Learn foot massage, Life hacks, DIY Electronics.
Either of you: Engage in service activities. Do all the things which were making you happy when you were on your own. Become self sufficient for your own Happiness. Make yourself better in your own personal field. Make friends. Give time to your Friends. Enhance their lives. Go out with your friends. Start a new hobby. Add a new skill to your skill set – Life hacks. Make your Body more healthy & more attractive. Joining an NGO as volunteer is an easy way to enhance your life in all aspects (my personal experience). Take some leadership initiatives. Read new kind of books (not on relationships, at least at this time). Travel a lot, this would energize all aspects of your being. Enhance your individual Life, which you had stopped. Update your Résumé. Start a Blog. Make a Vision Board. Do a project you’ve been putting off for months. Learn all Google products. And make your assistant better – your smartphone. Talk to all distant relatives & distant Friends, call to get to know their well being. Make online profiles/accounts & CV for those who can’t. And you want a listening ear for sure, so write everything in your journal.
This is not question at all whether you are single or committed.
This is not a question at all that your Spouse/Lover is in your life or not.
The Question is “Are you happy?”
Make yourself happy on your own in every way possible. Becoming self sufficient for happiness. That’s it.
And you have to do this all your life. Be self sufficient, self dependent for happiness. No one can do it for you. It is only an illusion if you think so. The other person is just a simulant, a trigger, you are the actual source.
When one person goes from your life, you can have him/her back. Or even he/she stays. Either way. But you have to know for sure that he/she is not ultimate source of your happiness. You are your first & last & Bigger & Ultimate source of your own happiness. He/She is the secondary source of Happiness for you. He/she will provide Happiness but only up to his/her limits. Mostly, he/she will come to extract happiness from you. And you have to provide him/her happiness and comfort & satisfaction and at the same time you have to save yourself from depletion of happiness. And the method is that you become the producer of happiness. And with time you have to make the other person realize that he/she is source of his/her own happiness. First, you become the producer of happiness and then a giver of happiness. And then you have to make the other person as receiver of happiness from you, as initially they will not be ready to receive happiness from you. Then later you have to make them or let them become a producer of happiness, and then only a giver of happiness. And you have to do this all your life, whenever you lose balance you will be in turbulence.
You have to give more love & fill up the other person with love, especially, when the other person is empty of love and has no love to give. Once they are full, they will start giving you, till then you have to have patience.
People who don’t give love, are the ones who need it the most.
Now, whatever is written here applies to every relationship, to Spouses, Lovers, as well as Parent-Child relationship, Teacher-Student relationship, Boss-Employee relationship, Friends, Colleagues, Batch-mates, Room-mates, and so on.
Resume the relationship with yourself first, which you have lost & you didn’t even know it yourself.
Nobody can breathe for you.
You have to breathe for yourself.